The Best Actor Ever
by Lost Demon Kunoichi
Summary: Naruto is truly the best actor ever. His perfect act is shattered though, after a series of events of Kakashi seeing through the happy mask Naruto always wears.
1. Chapter 1

Tobari-chan: Um... This might be a bit depressing if you're stupid.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to someone important, and I'm not important so I do not own anything.

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I was truly the best actor ever. Everyday I watched them, observing what they thought I would do and acted out random scenes for them, playing the idiotic character who was going to get himself killed oneday. Everyday I felt their scorn. Everyday a piece of me died. But everyday I just kept playing my role, the happy-go-lucky Uzumaki Naruto.

And I hated it. I hated them. I could tell most of them hated me also. Good. I hope they kill me. Because then I won't have to deal with the shit they put me through: the torment, pain, and suffering dished out to me again and again, over and over, in a never ending cycle. Today my perfectly happy mask had almost been broken. _Almost. _They _almost _got a glimpse of the _real_ Naruto. The sad Naruto. The utterly depressed Naruto. They almost got a glimpse of the real _me_.

And I hated them for that. Especially one Hatake Kakashi. If only for a brief second, he had seen the real me. I know he had. He'd had his Sharingan eye open to the world at the time.

If you're curious as to why, let me tell you.

----

We had been battling a group of missing-nins for quiet some time. I had a play to put on for my audience, so I stupidly threw the first kunai. I perposely missed, knowing that it would fit my character. Sasuke-kun shouted an insult at me. Yes, I called him Sasuke-_kun_. I don't really consider him my rival. In fact, I almost respected him.

And that baka Sakura backed him up, while taking on a random nin that attacked her. Yeah. Baka. I hate her so much. I hope she dies in the hospital from her wounds getting infected... Was that too harsh? Oh well. Who cares. I certainly don't.

Anyways... Back to the 'oh so hard' fight. Yeah right. Hard. I could've defeated all those nin without their help. I'm that good. If I wasn't acting I would have passed the Chuunin exams and I would already be a Jounin.

Wait. Didn't I just say I was getting back to the fight? I swear I have A.D.D sometimes. Well then.

Sasuke attacked one of the nins, and Kakashi lifted up his forehead protecter to reaveal the Sharingan.

There. Now you know why he saw through my mask.

Just to summerize the whole fight... Blah blah blah, I throw another kunai and miss yet again, blah blah blah, Sasuke kills two of the nin, blah blah blah, Kakashi kills the rest with me getting in the way, blah blah blah, we take Sakura to the hospital, blah blah blah.

Happy now?

Thought so. Okay with that out of the way...

Right now I'm sitting up in my apartment, if you can call it that, staring at the fresh cuts on my wrist. I swear I'm addicted to cutting. I feel Kyubi's chakra begin to heal the wounds and I watched disinterested as the cuts immediately stop bleeding and heal over, not even leaving any scars.

It had happened many times before. I sigh and pick up my razor, and walk into the kitchen to wash it and my hands of the blood. I hate Kyubi. Then again I hate a lot of things.

I wonder what Hatake is telling Tsunade-sama about me right now.

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"But I _saw_ it with my Sharingan. He looked extremely depressed." Kakashi banged his fist down on Tsunade's desk forcefully, glaring at her through his visable blue eye.

"I don't care, unless you have _real_ proof or I see it for myself, there's nothing I can do, Kakashi!" Tsunade growled back at him and pointed to the door, "Now get out! I have too much paper work to be arguing with you! Besides, Naruto doesn't seem like the type of kid that would be depressed!"

"But-!"

"OUT!"

Kakashi winced at the tone of her voice, and finally gave in. "Fine." With a few quick hand seals, Kakashi disappeared with a poof.

----

Kakashi punched the tree infront of him, causing it to break and fall in two. "I don't see why they won't believe me!" He muttered as he threw several kunai into the tree standing next to the newly demolished one. He did a couple hand seals and soon there were three other Kakashi's surrounding him. They went into a defensive state as Kakashi ridded of them, too, leaving only little logs in their places.

"He has a perfectly good reason to be sad." He grunted, throwing more weapons at a clone of himself.

"Jeeze, Kakashi-sensei, I never pictured you a masochist!" The cheery voice of the teen he had just spoken about to the Hokage broke through his training session and Kakashi turned around to stare into the happy face of Naruto.

_He's faking it._ Kakashi whispered to himself. "How long have you been standing there?" Kakashi asked while retrieving the various weapons around him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Naruto shrug and stuff his hands into his pockets.

"Almost as long as you. I saw you training and decided to come over!" Naruto grinned cheekily at him and leaned against a tree. "I didn't think it was very nice to practically chop down that tree over there, even if you were training and all." Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck, and his other hand itched towards his copy of Icha Icha Paradise so he could observe Naruto without the teen knowing.

"Sorry."

Then again, if Naruto was faking happiness, he could fake being weak also, right?

Kakashi had no idea how right he was.

----

The stupid bastard was playing dumb, like he didn't see behind my mask. I _know_ he did. He was even just talking about it.

"Oh well, It'll grow back, right?" I said, giving him the perfect chance to whip out his porn. I know he didn't actually read it. He just pretended to. I could feel his eyes, or rather eye, on me now. It's not like he was going to catch anything interesting like what he had seen before.

"It'll take a while, but yes, it will. Just like everything does."

I turn away from him and walk over the bridge, heading towards the Ramen shop. I actually hate ramen. Every night I have to throw up because of my character's habit of inhaling mass quantities of it. That stuff is gross. He follows me, still pretending to read his little book where blonde bimbos dance for elite ninja and they have sex and fuck each other senselessly. Disgusting.

Along the way, I make rather loud comments, all of them extremely stupid sounding and yelled in an annoying voice accompanied by an equally annoying grin. But Hatake still doesn't give in and ask why I've been acting my whole life, faking everything just for the 'grateful' citizens of Konoha. I wonder why he acts so patient with me.

He probably wants to rip my head off by the time we sit down to eat at the Shop. But still he sits, watching me from the corner of his eye. I feel sick with the first bowl of ramen inhaled by my unwilling mouth. I force it down and somehow manage to eat five more bowls. Now I feel as if I'm going to burst. Oh yeah, I'm gonna spend a lot of time puking tonight.

How troublesome, to use Shikamaru's words.

After I'm done with forcing myself to eat the nasty ramen, Hatake willingly pays for me and I manage to shout a loud thanks without hurling all over the bastard. Ewwww I feel soo sick. I pat my tummy, and I feel the small pillow I stuffed under my annoying orange clothing to make myself look kinda fat. In fact, I'm quite muscley. I have a six-pack, really. But Hatake doesn't need to know that, does he?

Nope. He doesn't need to know anything real about me. "So, Kakashi-sensei, How's Sakura-chan?" I say. Yes... How's the evil conniving bitch? His eye crinkles a little in a smile, but I can tell it's forced.

"She's doing just fine, although one of her wounds, the largest one, got infected." YES! Kami be praised! If I'm lucky she'll die a most painful death while no one is around so save her! "But the medic-nins were able to clean it." God damnit. Why! Why couldn't she die, Kami! Fine then, fuck you, Kami. I don't need your ass anways.

"Oh, I'm so glad! Because if she died I wouldn't be able to marry her one day!" Fuck that. Like hell I wanted to marry her. I don't even like girls that much. Ahh.. Again I praise myself on my acting skills.

"Ah... Naruto, there's something I've been wanting to ask you... About the mission we took earlier." Hatake said, looking me straight in the eye, his voice deadly serious. I grin and lean forward in my seat, hopping up and down with eagerness. I was totally in character now.

"Yeah, I'm all ears, Kakashi-sensei!" Ugh. I already knew what he was going to ask.

"I saw something on your face... I believe it was sadness." He obviously had a bad way with words. Probably came from reading so much of Jiraiya's porn. I mean, really. Describing a chicks hair as 'piss colored'? What the hell. (A/N: I got that from another fic which I almost forgot about. Thank you whoever wrote that!) "Tell me.. why were you so depressed, Naruto-kun?" Naruto-_kun_? Jeeze, he's really layin' it on thick.

Oooo. Seems like I don't have to answer. Hurray for Neji's interruption. Oh, but wait. Doesn't he have the Byakuugan? Hatake could always ask him to use it on me. Hm... Never thought of that. Oh well. Hyuuga probably wouldn't agree anyways. I grinned and winked at Hatake, then shouted a 'hey' at Hyuuga.

The night went on, I went home and barfed, I fell in love with the girl next door, and Happy ever after.

If you believed that you're dumb as shit.

----

Throughout the next day I spent my time wandering the town, for once wearing something other than my orange jumpsuit.. thing. Today I had decided on letting the village see a little more of the real me. Maybe I was too harsh on them. Maybe I'm making a mistake.

Today I didn't spike my hair and instead let it fall around my head in layers. I wore a red wife beater, and a pair of black baggy gothic pants with bandages wrapped around my right knee, with the pack of kunai strapped around that.

Can you imagine that I actually got a few lusty stares?

Wooo... Maybe I'd get lucky. Wait. I don't like girls. They're all whiney and they like Sasuke-kun to much to abandon him for me. Speak of the devil, there he is! And, wait... Is that a pair of bedroom eyes on his face? And directed at -mwah-? Gasp. No! Oh, how the mighty hath fallen. Hell must've frozen over! Pigs must be flying! I must've been claimed to not actually have the Kyubi inside of me!

Like that would ever happen. And then there Sasuke is, eyeing me lustfully. Oh hey.. a tent. Aww. He's blushing!

Psh. That must be embarrasing.

I wave energetically and grin, shouting a loud 'Hey Sasuke-teme!' before I practically skip over to him. Once there, I can tell he's avoiding my eyes. Instead he stares at my nose, my cheekbones, or my forehead. Maybe I shouldn't have brought him back from Orochimaru if he was just gonna stand there and be depressed or whimpy. But no.. My stupid character had to pledge his love for the bitch Haruno and vow to bring Sasuke back.

Sigh. Things just keep getting worse and worse. Now he's stuttering like an idiot. Like one of his fangirls. Like Hinata Hyuuga. I don't like her much... But I respect her. She gave it her all during the chuunin exams. She deserved recognition. I guess I did too, or atleast my character did.

Alright, during my blabbering, Sasuke has seemed to regain himself and is now glaring at me again. I can still see the lust behind the glare though. Ooo... maybe I could use him to my advantage! I can take over Konoha! No, I don't want to do that. They're all to stupid. And I'm supposed to be a good guy, right? Right.

I can probably just use him to get laid. But would I really want that? No. He's stupid and power hungry. Just because of his brother. But man is his brother hot. It would really be a pity for him to die. I mean, he's like sex on legs! (A/N: Also from another fic, called Not Old Enough.) Sasuke is just a quicky on legs.

Hah. I made a funny. Oops, I guess I was so caught up in the moment of me actually laughing with myself instead of at myself, I missed an important part of the conversation where I'm supposed to be extremely loud and start a fight with Sasuke. My bad. Now he's looking at me weird.

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Tobari-chan: Naruto-kun sounds EVIL. Well.. anyways... bye! Reviews are much appreciated! Btw, I don't even know why I posted this as Tobari... I'm changing my PenName soon to Lost Demon Kunoichi... So... whatever.


	2. Glass

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. I am a nothing, so why would I own anything, it doesn't make sense.

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Kakashi lay in his bed that night, pondering over Naruto and the depressed, sad face he had never seen so intensly on his face. It was so different from the normal Naruto. He was used to seeing that stupid grin, that happy tanned face. Seeing that depression written all over Naruto's face scared Kakashi. It made him want to... to take all of the teen's pain away, hug him and tell him that he was cared for, and see a real smile.

Kakashi shook his head to rid of his thoughts. He didn't understand why he cared so much about his student. Maybe that sad face was just his imagination. But then again, why would Naruto have denied it so hard when he confronted him... And why did he seem a little nervous... Kakashi mentally slapped himself.

'Stop thinking about it... Its not that big of an issue.' Kakashi tried to tell himself.

He fell asleep dreaming forbidden dreams of his student. (Wahahaha! that perv! Okay I'm done with A.N. for now)

* * *

A week has passed, and Haruno-bitch is still in the hospital. Hurray! My team and I have gotten a mission, and off to the sand we go! I hate that place. Gaara is freaky.

"Naruto, is something wrong with you, you're being quiet." Kakashi looked at me, his visible eye filled with concern.

I wanted to say, 'I don't need your pity!', but instead I shouted, "No sensei, I'm perfectly fine! I just can't wait for this mission to get started!" I pretended to be excited, even though I could actually just leave now and be back in a half hour with the mission complete. I jumped and shouted, waiting for his stupid eye to stop staring. I could feel it even when I turned away, and darted ahead of the other two.

I heard Sasuke say, "What a loser." Did Kakashi just... NOD to that! LE GASP! Teary eyed and broken hearted chibi me popped into my mind. 'I thought he luuuurved me!'

Yeah right. Haha like that could happen. Nobody loves a demon.

I wonder why there is a piece of glass in my shoe... Ow. A rather large piece of glass, too. Hopping around like an idiot, I took off my shoe, watching disinterested as a large piece of glass fell out of it and onto the ground. It was covered in blood, as was my poor foot.

How did I not notice that before?

"Are you bleeding?" Kakashi looked over at me as I hopped up and down, trying to keep my balance and continue to walk at the same time.

"Uh... No." I covered my bleeding foot with my free hand.

"Then why is your foot all bloody?"

I thought of the stupidest answer ever, just for my character's sake. "Ketchup." Sasuke and Kakashi stopped to stare at me as if I had a fetus on the side of my head. I love South Park. Such ideas it gives me... Anyways... Ahem...

"Dobe..."

"We're stopping here, Naruto. I'm going to bandage up your foot before it gets infected." Kakashi sat down on the side of the road, his eye crinkled at me as he patted a spot beside him. "I'm not going to bite. Sit."

Well I can't be so sure, can I! Ahhh... Chibi Naruto is crying on the inside. Kakashi makes him sad. Bad Kakashi! BAD BAD PERVERT!

Growrg!

Thats a funny word...

"Sasuke, can you go check the area, make sure there aren't any other ninja around, you know." Kakashi's eye crinkled again, and Sasuke rolled his eyes at his sensei.

Within seconds he was gone and I was pouting as I sat next to Kakashi, my foot on his lap. He looked at it (rather) closely, poking and proding it with his finger. He was silent for a moment as he continued to inspect the small cut.

"Naruto, do you have the glass that was in your shoe with you?"

... That's a stupid question. Oh yeah! Of course! I collect random pieces of glass! Its sort of a hobby, hee hee.

...Le Duh. I'm kidding.

"No, but its right over there." I pointed to the bloody glass that was lying on the road, and Kakashi gently put my foot down to grab the glass. Once he had it, he sat back down next to me and inspected it with his eye.

Ooo I wonder if he pretends he's a cyclops sometimes. That'd be funny to see.

"This has poison on it, Naruto." OH MY GAWD! NOOOOOOOOOOO! I WISH I HAD A NINE TAILED FOX INSIDE ME TO SAVE ME FROM THE DREADED POISONOUS GLASS THAT IMPALED MY POOR DEFENSELESS FOOT!

Oh yeah. I do.

"I'll live."

Kakashi's eye - CYCLOPS!!- shifted to me. Worry shone through the usual bored look that usually adorned his face.

"You don't get it, do you... This is extremely dangerous poison. Its made by demon slayers in the darker part of the forest in Konoha. They must have been paid to do this, because they usually don't harm any demons unless they are being paid."

Omigawsh! I'M GOING TO DIE!

...Oh well.

Chibi Naru collapses onto the ground, his hand outstretched to the sky as he mutters, "Rose bud!"

* * *

AN:::: What is that Rosebud thing from anyways, its been bugging me all week. Anyways, here's an update. Finally! How long has it been... geez. I'm kinda on a roll tonight. I already updated C.I.A.C.D.. Btw, if any of you have read a fic titled Destined to Live by Taiyoukai Taika-Sama, I have taken over that fic. She gave me permission so... ha! -Hugs DtL- So... if anyone has read it... got any ideas for it? oo I took it on impulse cause I didn't want it to end. BUT I SHALL NEVAH REGRET IT!

Everyone... I have a request to make.

REVIEW!! GROWRG! (grr-ow-urg)

This chapter's outtie, YO! haha


	3. Suna

Omigawsh. Guys. I got my first flamer. From some weirdo named MingShun. So to whoever the hell that was...

I'm sorry if it seemed annoying. But frankly, I don't give a fuck if you didn't like it. More people like it than dislike it, and you just happen to be one of the few retards who hate it. If you don't like my fic, why not just leave and stop reading? You didn't have to review. That would have been better for everyone, because I really don't think we want to hear your negative attitude, BIOTCH.

There. Now I have that out of my system. -laughs all evil like and pets her Naru plushie-

Some of you might have wondered if Naruto is gay. I dunno. Maaaaybeee... Yeah. I like a yaoi Naru better than a straight Naru. Thats just the way I am. I'm not sure if he's going to be paired with Kakashi or Sasuke. Maybe you should all vote! Oooo That'd be fun!

Okiedokie, you can pick from these peeps : Kakashi, Sasuke, Kabuto, Itachi, Neji, Haku, or Gaara. I don't know how I'll work Haku into it, or Kabuto... but I'm sure Naruto dying and going into the Spirit world would be cool. If you have any other requests on pairings or any plot ideas, just, you know... review.

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Chibi Naru put loads of eyeliner on. I think he's imitating Gaara, who was just growling at me.

Why? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!! Well, I only accidently hit him in the head with my foot. But as I said, it was an accident... Don't hurt me scary insomniac freakazoid! Take Mr. Cyclops instead, please!

Have mercy on my poor demon infested soul!

"Please accept my apologies, Gaara." Kakashi bowed to the eyebrowless nin infront of us. "My student is a bit... well... challenged."

CHALLENGED!? ME!? I'M NOT CHALLENGED! I'M SMARTER THAN... YOU!

Chibi Naru kicks Chibi Kaka in the balls, sending Chibi Kaka on the floor in pain. Victory dance time! Boo Yah.

Oops. My mask fell again. GOD that has to stop! Quickly I pull it back up, hoping Kakashi doesn't notice. He doesn't.

Poke. Ouch. Fingers attacking Naruto's tender side is not a good thing. Enraged, I grab the offending digit before it has a chance to poke me again. My eyes travel up the arm it belongs to, which connects to a shoulder - well I would hope so... SEVERED ARM! Ayee!!- which connects to a neck, and Sasuke's face.

Sasuke poked me.

DEATH TO HE WHO POKE-ETHED ME! BAHAHA! DEATH TO SASUKE!

"What was with the sad face?" He asked. I stared at him blankly. Geez. The one time he decides to be caring, and its when I'm just randomly showing my true feelings. How wonderful, Sasuke. How. Effing. Wonderful.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I deadpanned. He merely raised an eyebrow at me, and stared at me with those apathetic eyes.

I hate you Sasuke.

"Sure you don't. I bet Kakashi would _love_ to know that you're depressed, Naruto..." He said, and I could _hear_ the smirk in his voice.

"I'm not depressed." I turned away from him. Damn that Sasuke. He always has to know what makes me tick, huh? How the hell did he find out that it would make me angry if Kakashi knew I was depressed in any way. "Besides... that'd make you a tattle-teller." I looked at him from over my shoulder and stuck my tongue out at him.

"Uzumaki-san." Gaara's cool voice interrupted my little 'squabble' with Sasuke, and I hesitantly looked at him. His freakish green eyes were staring at me with... loathing? Well, duh. I just kicked Gaara. How the hell did I manage to get away with kicking the Kazekage in the freaking head?!

Chibi Naru shrugs, and continues to poke the frozen body of Chibi Kaka.

"I'd like to talk to you." He said, not waiting for me to even say, "Yes, oh great Kazekage of Suna?" -- Like hell I'd say that... but hey... Whatever. I made my way over to him, my face trained to look happy and excited, but I flinched when I heard him say, "Alone." I glanced behind me to see that Sasuke was following.

Well gee, that makes me giddy to know that he cares about my wellbeing.

Why the fuck should he? I mean... didn't he leave Konoha so he could get powerful and KILL me one day?! Along with his brother... Mmm... Itachi...

Gaara led me down the hallway, and I couldn't help but stare at his red hair. How does a Japanese person come by red hair? Then again, how does a Japanese person come by blonde hair? Or silver? Purple? Pink? How the hell did we get these hair colors! Seriously! It's crazy!

"-uto."

I glanced up at Gaara. Apparently I hadn't noticed when he stopped and I bumped into him. He glared down at me. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" I didn't resist the urge to show my true self in front of this... badger.

Hahaha. Badger...

He sighed, which was totally uncharacteristic of him. "I said, how long are you going to hide yourself from them, Naruto?" I flinched.

Reasons why I hate Gaara are as follows:

1. He has extremely dark shadows around his eyes, which make him look kind of scary.

2. He has a tattoo saying 'love' on his forehead. Isn't that ironic?

3. He is a hypocrite sometimes. 'How long are you going to hide yourself from them Naruto?' Pssh. How long are YOU going to?

4. He knows the real me, which I detest entirely!

5. He likes me. Not like... "Yeah I like you cause you're my friend." Nooo. It's "I like you cause you're a little sex pot and you make me horny."

...And those were the reasons for my hate of Gaara.

"I don't know. At the moment I see no reason to show them that all of this has been an act." I hissed, clenching my fists as Gaara led me into his office. Lucky duck.. He has an office...

"I think you should... before they start to worry too much."

I scoffed. "Yeah? Your family worries about you and you don't share your feelings with them!"

"That is because they are imbeciles." He smirked at me, and I couldn't help but chuckle a little.

Time to scheme.

"Hey... I have a favor to ask..."

---

Kakashi and Sasuke sat in a room around a table, sipping at some hot tea provided generously by the staff of the kitchens in the Kazekage's home. "When do you think Naruto and Gaara will be done?" Sasuke asked coolly, pretending as if he was unconcerned. Inside though, he was going insane with the need to know what the two nins were doing at the moment, and why they had to do it alone.

"I don't know. Naruto is probably just getting the records Tsunade wanted. That IS why we're here, isn't it?" Kakashi said, looking up from his book.

"If so, why does it have to be in private? And why with Naruto? You're the team leader aren't you?" Sasuke gritted out, resisting the urge to go and drag Naruto away from the lustful Gaara.

"I don't mind. Maybe Gaara trusts Naruto more than me."

Sasuke sighed.

---

"You know I cannot."

"Aw but please?!" I whined at the green eyed insomniac.

"No. Suna would be blamed with her death."

I growled at Gaara, glaring at him fiercely. "Take away their headband, then no one would be able to see what village the nin was from when he kills her."

"I will not be held responsible for such a murder. If she is killed then it is likely that a fued could start between our villages again."

"But she's so annoying... and utterly useless."

"Why don't you do it then?" Gaara signed another paper and I huffed as I sat on the corner of his desk. I could feel his eyes roaming up and down my body, and I winced. I really did not want his attentions that much...

That was a good question. Why didn't I kill her?

"Good idea. However... Sasuke would be angry at me." I mentally grinned, knowing that Sasuke made Gaara angry.

"So? I know you don't care for the impudent bastard." He muttered, and I felt his piercing eyes rest on the back of my head.

"Well.. In light of recent events..." I let my voice trail off, leaving Gaara's mind to wonder.

"Don't. Even." He gritted out.

"Just send a nin to kill her, that's all I ask. Right now she's weakened anyways, she wouldn't put up much of a fight."

"What exactly would her death bring you?" Gaara questioned, and I found myself thinking.

"The chance to become Hokage." I grinned at him.

"How the hell would her death help that?!" He exclaimed.

"Well... Tsunade holds her in high esteem. Obviously she'd be a good choice for Hokage... even though she is entirely annoying." I sighed. I _really_ wanted Sakura dead.

"I'm not going to have any part in the Haruno-bitch's death. I already said." Gaara opened a drawer on his desk, and pulled out a scroll after rummaging around for a minute.

"You meanie." I pouted, but took the scroll anyways, and stood. As I walked to the door, I heard Gaara ask, "When will you come back." Damn. I don't want to come back...

"I don't know." I shut the door behind me, following the hallway that led to where I sensed my friends. Psh. Friends. As I turned the corner, my happy-go-lucky mask was immediately thrust on when I saw Sasuke and Kakashi. "Alright, we're all set! Lets go!" I shouted, giving the record to Kakashi.

I really annoy myself sometimes.

---

...I haven't updated since... ever... Sorry. I know this chapter was on a bit more of a serious note. The funny has been drained almost completely out of me... Depression... -SIGH.-

Boys. Who needs em, right? Hahaha. I want a girlfriend... maybe that'd be easier than a boyfriend. Or maybe just as bad? Urg.

Well... Here's the update you've all been pressuring me about. I told Amanda I'd have it up eventually, actually I told her it'd be a month... but hey... oh well. Do you know that I have over 99 alerts for this fic? I didn't think so many people would like it. It makes me almost feel loved.

Anyways, thanks for reading.


	4. Hocakes?

A/N: Well, I didn't get my laptop, but I do have coffee. I guess I'll just have to take better precautions and deal.

Disclaimer : I don't own Naruto. Various reasons of course, but it was lost over a game of poker with a bunch of dogs.. I also don't own any quotes from famous movies..

--

Who... in the helluvit... would have thought that Itachi and fish-face would have run into us on the way back to Konoha? Besides the point that I had been secretly praying for it the whole time... heh. I can't help it. He's a sexy biotch. -Insert weird smiley face with tongue poking out.-

Sasuke, being all avenger...ry... attacked the sexy bastard with a fire ball while Kakashi tried to stop him.

Seriously, Sasuke. A fire ball.

Of course! That was the answer! Of course a S-ranked nin would NEVER in their LIFE be able to avoid a friggin' fire ball! You retard. I hate you. Oh, I hate you so much. It's probably better that you were here instead of Sakura. She'd be all like, "AYEEE! It's ITACHI! He's so sexy but I'm scared! Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll rape me and I'll pretend that I didn't secretly like it!"

Pink whore.

After checking out Itachi, it was my turn to do something somewhat useful. I threw a shuriken at him while Kakashi attacked him with kage bunshin. Wait.. Wasn't that supposed to be switched? Nevermind. Yay! It's fishy-face! I waved at Kisame excitedly, throwing him off for a second before he leapt -It's a flying fish!!- over the other retards to land a few yards away from me.

"Yo, fish-face." I smiled, drawing a few senbon from my pocket. Faintly I noticed a fish-vein pop on his fish-forehead. "You really should learn to use D-O or something, Kisame. You smell horrible." I heard a growl before a sword swung at me and I dodged it. "You also have terrible aim. I didn't know you were blind like Itachi." Both nin gave me a somewhat confused, somewhat angry glance. "I read a lot."

Needless to say, fishy fishy got his ass full of senbon and Itachi had to carry his pathetic...well, ass, away.

Not to say that I actually didn't like watching Itachi throw of his capey-thing to reveal and stunningly hot bod and fight Kakashi and Sasuke... Two words. Mental Orgasm.

Of course Sasuke tried to run after them, and was stopped by Kakashi. Ugh. Stupid emo! Then again... I don't exactly have any room to talk. I am sort of emo-ey, I suppose.

And no.. Chibi Naru is NOT cutting his wrists!

--

Scroll in hand, we arrived in Konoha with no more delay. Except when Sasuke inadvertedly hit on me and a kunai seemed to be thrown at him from my direction, which I had no recolection off. Shut up. It missed.

Kakashi turned to us in front of the Hokage Tower. "I'll file the report on this, go home and rest. You might even think about going to visit Sakura." Hell no! You can't make me! Ever! The demon woman will perish!!

"Come on, dobe."

...I hate you.

--

We walked to the hospital in silence for the most part, ignoring the dumbass villagers who threw dumb insults at me, proving their idiocy. Like when one yelled at me that I was a stupid demon who deserved to die and I told him to shove it up his ass. His ever so smart reply was, "You shut up when you're talking to me!"

I hate people.

"Sasuke-kuuuun!!" Oh god. My ears. I hoped I would never have to hear that annoying pig squeal again. Apparently Sasuke didn't like her annoying voice, either. He winced and I put on my little act again as I walked into the room behind him. "Oh, hey Naruto."

It spoke my name! Ew!

"Hey, Sakura-chan! How are you? I hope you can get out of the hospital soon! Then we can go on a date!" Gag. Sakura smiled slightly. God she's ugly. Ugh..

"Maybe." Oh lord, no. DENY ME!! Deny me, please!!"

"YES!" My character stupidly cheered, pumping a fist in the air. The dumb bitch laughed happily. Or was it a cat dying that I heard? I can't tell anymore.

"I get out in three days. Something about them wanting to do some more tests on me." God. Do they honestly care? _Why?_ "So what have you guys been up to?"

I don't want to be here anymore. Seriously. She smells like ugly. Oh yeah. Ugly has a smell. It smells like Sakura. "CRAP! I forgot, I told Iruka-sensei that I would come over when I got back!" Haha, Sasuke. You have to deal with the stupid pig. Tee hee. Glare at me all you like! I don't give a damn! "Bye, Sakura-chan! Sasuke-teme!"

I'm free! Free!!

It's sad that just a few minutes with the heifer would make me like that. Then again it's _Sakura_.

--

Back home I was actually surprised to see Kakashi waiting there. Me. Surprised. Kakashi. Looking at me. Weirdly.

"Hiya, Kakashi-sensei!" I grinned like a dolt. Blah. I unlocked the door to my apartment, intent on closing it on his face. His foot stopped me. Hm. He has big feet.

...

Wow. I just had a perverted thought about him. Hehe. I haven't slept with anyone for a while and he just _happens_ to be in my house...

"Naruto, we need to talk." I sighed. I did NOT want to have this conversation. At all. Whatsoever.

I moved aside, opening the door wide enough for him to slip in. Oh my god. Slip in.

Me and my poor undersexed mind. Chibi Naru is crying because of it... I need sex. Waah.

Pushing those thoughts away, I sat down on my couch, patting the seat next to me. I could be civil for a few minutes.

"I want to speak with the real you." He said. I frowned.

"Why?" I folded my arms, still not taking down my mask.

"Because I'm tired of playing stupid games." I watched as he pulled down his black face mask and sat down next to me. I stared. Why do I have to be sitting next to an incredibly sexy guy while being incredibly undersexed? I shrugged, allowing my mask to fade to be replaced with my normal one. Kakashi gulped.

...

He was... turned on? Woot. I am teh hotness.

"You look like your father when you're like this." I gave him a funny look. "But better." Mentally I cracked a grin at his strangled add-on. I moved a hand to his thigh, watching as his face twisted slightly. Quickly he removed my hand. "I didn't come here for that."

"What, then?" I said. He flinched, even though I knew that he did in fact, want _that_.

"When did you learn to use senbon needles?" I glared at him a bit.

"Jiraiya taught me while I was traveling with him." In a flash I was ontop of the older nin. "He also taught me a few other things, Kakashi-_sensei_, that would surprise you." I said suggestively. What can I say? I'm horny. He's hot. Older, but hot.

And no. I did not have sex with Jiraiya. I had sex with whores from whore-houses. Ew. He's old. And senile. Plus he totally has the hots for Ino. Haha.

Kakashi groaned as I moved my hips against his, his visible eye shutting as he pushed his back up against me. "I had to learn on my own, too, sensei, because you wouldn't train me in favor of that dumbass traitor." I ground my hips on him again, receiving a whimper, sounding slightly like a 'sorry.' "I know why, though. You thought he was sexier than me, huh, Kakashi."

"N...Never." I grinned, actually grinned, I mean. Haha, take that Sasuke. I'm way sexier than you. Even though I practically tricked Kakashi into saying it...

"Ne, Kakashi, you wanna know the _real _me?" I asked innocently, pushing a hand against his erection. He quivvered. A nod. "Alright, cyclops. First of all, I'm a raging nympho. Don't be alone with me unless you know your stuff and want to be on bottom." His eye snapped open as my hand tightened around him. "Secondly, I'm not depressed. I'm pissed off. And thirdly, I'm crazy and I know it." I grinned happily at him. "Starting tomorrow, this is me twenty-four-seven, ho-cakes. Now get out of my apartment before I rape you or something."

I wouldn't _really_ rape him... Bwaha.

Kakashi bolted, leaving me to laugh giddily. Ho-cakes. Hee hee.

I figure its better to wait for sex if its with him. Taunting and teasing is fun.

--

A/N: Well, its short, but I don't really care. I stayed up all night reading stuff and then writing this and some other stuff. I figure this is going to have three or so more chapters before it ends. Sorry I decided to keep him with Kakashi but... Well.. I'm not really that sorry, actually. Kakashi's a hot guy. Real or no. And I had some questions about why Naruto wants to be Hokage even though I said that he didn't really want to. Um... The plot bunnies hate me. -Cheesy grin.-

Some things that recently happened... My computer is being a butt, but so is my mom so whatever. No laptop yet, guys. Maybe in a couple of months.

Yes, I am trying to update CIACD but it's kindof hard for me right now.

I recently flew on a plane! It was actually not the way I pictured it. No snakes. ...Haha.

Hm. My parents are most likely getting a divorce so we've been busy with that, and summer just started for me a month ago, but I was in the Utah and Idaho for a while, and before that we were in Ohio. Cedar Point Ohio is awesome, people. Go there. If you spotted us, we were a band marching around the park in purple t-shirts and khakis. So my summer started out great.

That's about it, I guess. Please review, even though my writing sucks an' all.


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